Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
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I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there