Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
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*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?