I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
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People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?