My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
You Might Also Like
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does