The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
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Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Always leave them wanting their money back.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday