My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
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9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
What personal space?
My dog
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Erm I’m gonna say no
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.