establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
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Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…