ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
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Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why