Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
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13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board