I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
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The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?