Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
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My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Bloody internet 😳
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes