I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
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Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I have many caverns
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.