When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
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Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone