I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
You Might Also Like
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water