Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency