The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Google assistant rules
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.