me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
You Might Also Like
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol