GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
You Might Also Like
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
saving face 👀
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax