Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
You Might Also Like
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.