me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
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Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Saturday
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.