Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
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Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
(by @ZachWeiner )
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Me too 😆
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that