Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
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Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
i’m still crying at this
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.