If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence