BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
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*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit