once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
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[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Europe. Made in Germany.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.