Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
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my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Proctology is located in A55