[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
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Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.