[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
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What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!