Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
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for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I have two kinds of followers
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou