I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
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My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?