I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
You Might Also Like
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
The pasta is now
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL