(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
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fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met