If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose