They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”