Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
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If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being