me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
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Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.