who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
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Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Don’t tell me what to do
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people