I put the mess in domestic.
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The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
awkward