[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
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Even if it鈥檚 not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Me: whew, can鈥檛 wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I鈥檓 feeling better than ever.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Gross if literal…Liverpool
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
VHS tapes used to be like: 鈥淔BI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney鈥檚 Flubber”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn鈥檛 a kind of drink.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Ffs laughed out loud 馃槀
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 馃檪
ramses: oh you son of a-
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you鈥檒l have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I鈥檓 worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Joined WhateverCupid鈩笍 and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC