You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
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the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah