I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
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lol
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
A dad and his duck
Breaking news:
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.