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Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
How to draw a duck
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
this FaceApp is creepy af
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.