When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I missed you with all my darts
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
“TGIM!” – My liver
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist: