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Look at this
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
work smarter, not harder
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.