“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
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“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Cats are still liquid.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.