I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
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Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
#polloftheday
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now