one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
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Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Uh oh 👀
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml