The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
LMAO
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands