The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
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Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
greetings!
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.