wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
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If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
🤣🤣
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.